Loss

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

This week we lost a friend.  Not the kind of friend you see around and are friendly with.  Not the kind you wish you had known better.  But the kind of friend that you have history with.  Not history that is pretty.  The history we had with him was deep, meaningful, life changing, a bit ugly, and tinged with regret.

When Neil and I first met Jon, we were brand new to Pennsylvania.  This guy was the kind of guy that when he walked in a room you noticed it.  He demanded attention.  Not in a prideful, look at me way.  No, to the contrary, he was the embodiment of self deprecation.  He was boisterous, and stinkin' hilarious.  He made life fun.  He drew everyone in with his jokes, his laughter, his silliness.  He introduced us to Brian Regan, a comedian that to this day we can never watch without hearing Jon's voice echoing in our heads.

When we met Jon and his wife, I remember saying to Neil, "Now here is a couple that I think we will be friends with."  And here is the thing about Neil and I.  I thrive on my girl friendships, I do.  I need them.  Neil, he is different than I am in that he finds a lot of his social fulfillment in ministry and family relationships.  He doesn't naturally seek out guy friends.  Jon, he reached out to Neil like no one had in a long time.  He showed up at our house, invited Neil to hang out or go places, invited us to social gatherings and over to their house for the kids to play together.  He was a friend to Neil in a way that Neil didn't even know he needed.  He loved on Neil.  He opened up and shared his life with Neil.  He was real and authentic.  He shared his struggles with depression.  I saw that and was always so impressed at the kind of friend Jon was to Neil.  It was a joy to watch from the wife's perspective.

Life happens, and about 5 years into our friendship something changed.  It was unexpected, it was painful, and it took our friendship to a different place.  Without sharing anything that doesn't need to be shared, let's just say that the end result was a distance in our relationship. Everyone was well intention-ed, we just came to a sort of impasse. I can only speak for Neil and I to say that it was extremely painful and heart wrenching.  We couldn't find a way to restore what was once there.  This may very well be the most painful relational issue I have ever been through and I pray to God that we never have to experience anything like this again.  However, it was what it was.

We ended up moving to Kansas less than two years later.  Before we left I kept waiting for the right opportunity to have a restorative conversation, but it never came and we left with some regrets in that area.

We were never able to get back to PA, it had been over 3 years.  Sometimes, I will admit, when taking communion at church, God would bring this couple to my mind.  I would struggle with how to resolve this, was there even a way.  So much was out of my control.  So much was issues of the past, wishing I would have said this or done that.  Regret.  Loss.  Pain.  It hurts.  I determined that if and when we ever got back to PA I would hunt them down and make things right.  Or better.  Or something.

This year, for Christmas, we decided to surprise the kids with a trip back.  It was a wonderful surprise and the trip was so very lovely.  On Sunday we were able to go to church and be surrounded by all these awesome people.  I kept looking around for them.  They were not there.  My heart sank.  Was my opportunity gone?  Then I saw her, Katie.  Their daughter was running around the church with Becca, laughing just like they did when they were young.  I asked Katie if her parents were there.  She said no.  "How are you getting home?" I asked.  "My dad, he is waiting in the parking lot for me."  Neil and I took off for the door.  If you can envision a church parking lot, he was in the far corner of the lot.  We walked across the lot, wondering what he was thinking as we walked.  We got to there and had to knock on the window in order for him to open it up and talk to us.  The conversation we had, well, it doesn't need to be shared here but I will say that we were able to tell him how much we loved him, how much he meant to us, how thankful we were for his friendship.  I will say, he looked broken.  He was kind and sweet, but so different than the man I remember.  It made me sad.  Neil and I talked about it on the way home to Kansas, saying how it just didn't seem right, he looked like he needed serious help, and how we needed to call one of the pastors asap.

We got home on Tuesday night.  On Wednesday morning we got the call that Jon had taken his own life the day before.  Devastation.

There are so many components to a person's life.  We have not been a part of Jon's life in so many years ... so I have no idea what has been happening, how he has been, nothing.  I know nothing.  This is just my story and all I know is that God gave me this gift.  He gave me this gift of time with Jon during his last few days on earth.  He gave me an opportunity to connect and say what I wanted to say, and to take away some regret I would have felt had I not seen him.  I have no idea why, no idea about the timing of it all.  I wonder what we could have said, should have said, might have said, that would have made a difference.  There are no answers on this side of eternity.  Let me say this though.  He struggled with these issues for so long, I believe that perhaps he distanced himself from those who could help him.  Depression is painful and something no one can understand unless you have been there.  I will not judge, in spite of all my questions and longings for a different outcome.  He is at peace now, with His Heavenly Father, and I look forward to that reunion in heaven someday.  Away from the pain and darkness and sorrow.  I am so thankful to have met Jon.  Thankful to have crossed paths with him in this life.  So thankful for someone who knew us and our dirt, who we knew and his dirt. .. not just surfacey Sunday morning side of someone, but the real, nitty gritty stuff that makes us who we are.  And we loved him.